Diary Entry The first one of the new year

Happy New Year

Should of known that I would start with the same old shit new Fucking Year.. Things not going well, I guess that would be putting it lightly. My husband decided today that he would walk out of the house and ask for a DNA test for the baby. How dare he do that to his child... He knows damn well that is his child. When someone says that what do you do with it, what do you say, where do we go from here. This is not something that I can just move past with no resolution. And I honestly don't know how I will make it through a conversation. I honestly think that I will loose my mind and through, hit, spit, dump, kick something physically to this man and I will get the worst end of that but the first and possible the last hit will feel so fucking good. I have no energy to even pull a conversation out of him. I could really care less. The one thought that keeps Rollin through my mind is how easy we could separate if the boys weren't his. Could I really make him think that they weren't his. I know with everything in me that if I did somehow convince him that they weren't his I would get my ass beat, but, it would make the split that much easier. I have to say and this is the real shit I am after all talking to myself so being honest and truthful I NEED THIS MARRIAGE TO END and I know that the kids complicate the split. But in saying that the other side is that my boys wont have a dad and that hurts so much more then anything. And Mahleek why why would he say such a foul thing. That baby has done nothing but give him unconditional innocent love and an abundance of it to boot. But if he could say that knowing the truth and I know he knows the truth does he even care about my boys. If I had to be honest with myself and speak what I really feel, I would have to say that if he really thought they weren't his he would walk away and never look back. To me a child is yours if, you are there from the 9 months to present. Blood doesn't make love and connection time and life do that. And if he could walk away he never really cared in the first place.

You know what just popped into my head. If I was to leave the way that he did tonight he wouldn't even call. I have to face the truth. He does not and never has loved me. I wasted my youth, my independence, my confidence, and my life. I am the biggest fool. The saddest thing is that I knew before it was to late but I was scared and now I am paying for my fear in the worst way possible. And I was a coward and brought my boys along with me. I don't want heart ache for them ever and a split will hurt them bad. Either way I think.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring, and how do I approach it? Will I finally stand up for me and my boys and to the hardest thing ever and leave him alone. Or will I continue to be a coward and let it slide. I know what I should do but I'm scared on so many different levels. Emotionally and physically. I have to be honest with my self right now and I am putting it all on record. I don't trust Buju not to really hurt me and take my kids. I have to go to sleep I am supposed to work tomorrow. Well see if that will really work I don't know yet. Hopefully I will be back with you tomorrow.

Diary Entry 12-28-07

Hey been a while but I had a great X-Mas and we all had fun. Crazy week though I worked on wed but then the baby got pink eye and now I'm missing thur and fri. I still may go in today for a little while but I don't know yet. I think that I should go take a look a PRC and see if they still need people but I hope that the hours are some what comparable to what I work now. My grandfather passed away on the 20th and I feel really bad because I don't think that I will be able to go to the service. I need tires and I don't trust the ones that I have on there in the snow. So I don't think that I will make it down for that or my brothers wedding. I hope that I don't look like a horrible person if I can't make these things. But maybe I am I don't know. I know that I am broke and that there is little I can do about that. Well that is all for now write again later. Independence is still on its way just going a little slower then I wanted it to.

Diary Entry 12-17-07

Dear Diary,

Well hello been a couple days!!! Not a-lot to tell. My husband is on my nerves again as usual but that's my life. Work is going good and we found out today that we are going into a new campaign and it will be so easy!!! My personal goal will be 7 an hour!!! That is 15 an hour hoooraaaa!! ;-> that's it for now talk to you again later!!!!

Diary Entry 12-14-07

Well yesterday was a rough day!! I got myself in a lil trouble with a couple of payday loans and I owe some money. So this asshole attorney called me telling me I had to pay 400+ today or go to jail. He was so mean to me talking so much shit I could not believe it. Well I will just keep my feet moving like I have been and take care of what I can when I can and Fuck the rest!!!!! Well that's it for now talk to you again tomorrow. Life is full of trials and tribulations how you handle them is what counts!! Sa long as you maintain PMA you will always come out of the dark into the light. Be who you truely are and know that everything will turn out o-kay in the end. Use every situation as a learning experiance and you did the right thing.LIVE~LEARN~LAUGH~LOVE

Diary entry 12-11-07

Cheggfar Diary,
Well I got good news today! I found out that there will be an opening in the activations dept. That is so exciting cause I don't know how long I can stay on those phones! Well that's it for today talk to you again tomorrow!

Diary entry 12-10-07

Dear Diary,

Well it has been a while since my last entry but I am moving forward. I got a job, it doesn't pay what I wanted but it is a start and it does have potential to be a career. I do not miss my job at M.E. but I do miss the free massages. Heee Heee. I have yet to open those DVD's but I plan to. Things in my marriage are a little better now. I don't know what I want to do about that but I am still wanting to be more independent from him and that is where I am taking my life. I have started a To Do list that I use almost every day. I wrote out a daily and weekly schedule to give me direction, and I have finally put some personal goals down on paper. When I was doing that it felt really good and I made goals for myself that are very attainable and should be done in the next few months. One of my goals is to write a sentence or two to you my diary everyday. So we will see if I can make that happen.

Well that is it for now talk to you again tomorrow. My new phone lets me blog from it, as soon as I figure it out. ;)

Diary of Independence

Dear Diary,





Today is Wed. the 31 of October 2007. It's Halloween and what a Fun day it is. I Got a lot achieved the last 3 days. I did everything plus. I got a job at a call center, however it is only 8hr so 5 away form my 13 I need. But it is plus commission. That was yesterday, and today I went and applied at Sprint. I'm not so sure I got it but we will hope for the best and keep looking in the mean time. I have another interview at 2:30 for entry level management. I think that I will not say to much about my separation from ME. That may have been my down fall. So from now on I will say as little as possible. I am definitely liking the fact that I am getting interviews as fast as I have been. I will just continue on this path and if for some reason I have nothing more promising then I will go to the job that I have starting on Wed. next week. So I do need to make a list to keep me moving. So just to remind myself of the goal at hand. We are in process to complete Number One. So here are more goals to get my completion.

Continued......................................

Make at least 20 resume entry, phone call, and our application by the end of the day and every day until u find your 13hr.

Open that work out video you paid money for.

One to two interview by week end

Got to go for now I have my next interview.

LIVE LIFE TO IT'S FULLEST AND YOUR LIFE WILL BE WHAT YOU WANT IT TO BE. YOU ARE AN INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND YOU CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN.

DO IT NOW!!!!!!!!DO IT NOW

Find laughter in you children's voices and love in their hearts.