Diary Entry The first one of the new year

Happy New Year

Should of known that I would start with the same old shit new Fucking Year.. Things not going well, I guess that would be putting it lightly. My husband decided today that he would walk out of the house and ask for a DNA test for the baby. How dare he do that to his child... He knows damn well that is his child. When someone says that what do you do with it, what do you say, where do we go from here. This is not something that I can just move past with no resolution. And I honestly don't know how I will make it through a conversation. I honestly think that I will loose my mind and through, hit, spit, dump, kick something physically to this man and I will get the worst end of that but the first and possible the last hit will feel so fucking good. I have no energy to even pull a conversation out of him. I could really care less. The one thought that keeps Rollin through my mind is how easy we could separate if the boys weren't his. Could I really make him think that they weren't his. I know with everything in me that if I did somehow convince him that they weren't his I would get my ass beat, but, it would make the split that much easier. I have to say and this is the real shit I am after all talking to myself so being honest and truthful I NEED THIS MARRIAGE TO END and I know that the kids complicate the split. But in saying that the other side is that my boys wont have a dad and that hurts so much more then anything. And Mahleek why why would he say such a foul thing. That baby has done nothing but give him unconditional innocent love and an abundance of it to boot. But if he could say that knowing the truth and I know he knows the truth does he even care about my boys. If I had to be honest with myself and speak what I really feel, I would have to say that if he really thought they weren't his he would walk away and never look back. To me a child is yours if, you are there from the 9 months to present. Blood doesn't make love and connection time and life do that. And if he could walk away he never really cared in the first place.

You know what just popped into my head. If I was to leave the way that he did tonight he wouldn't even call. I have to face the truth. He does not and never has loved me. I wasted my youth, my independence, my confidence, and my life. I am the biggest fool. The saddest thing is that I knew before it was to late but I was scared and now I am paying for my fear in the worst way possible. And I was a coward and brought my boys along with me. I don't want heart ache for them ever and a split will hurt them bad. Either way I think.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring, and how do I approach it? Will I finally stand up for me and my boys and to the hardest thing ever and leave him alone. Or will I continue to be a coward and let it slide. I know what I should do but I'm scared on so many different levels. Emotionally and physically. I have to be honest with my self right now and I am putting it all on record. I don't trust Buju not to really hurt me and take my kids. I have to go to sleep I am supposed to work tomorrow. Well see if that will really work I don't know yet. Hopefully I will be back with you tomorrow.