HIM

I talked to him last night.............

He tells me how much he loves me and how much he misses me............

What do I do with that information..................

He tells me how many times he has cried for me, balled for me.........

Does he realize how many times I have done the same.............

He says that he never wants me to be out of his life...........

Does he realize that I can't live without him............

How do I make him see, how do I show him..............

I know that sometimes I wait for that grand jester of love........

Does he wait for the same..........

And if it comes what would it be, how grand would it have to be............

If I felt like if I could I would leave and start a new with him.........

But to many turns on life's road have accrued to make that possible...........

Would it be selfish of me to do that, to change my family, to change my life...........

To change just for my happiness.........

And how would it be............

Would my dreams come true, or would my heart be broken, my soul torn in two........

I'm scared, scared to take that leap, scared that what I reach for wont be there.........

When I think about it I know that I have to do it for me, for my kids, to better our life...........

Not because I want to be with him, because my life had to change..........

And be with my boys just me and my boys.........

How long could I live that way?????????

? Am I strong enough, have I grown that much,,,,,,

How would that affect us, could you support me in that part of my life.........

I know for me as myself that I want my marriage to be so much more then it is.........

I want my husband to be my best friend, my lover and partner in everything........

To support me in anything I choose to do...........

To cherish me, hug and kiss me every chance he got.............

To be truly in love.........

Deep true soul mate love......

But that's what I let walk away, and now what I want more then anything...........

What do I have to give up to have that love back.............

Every day I feel a little piece of who I am die.........

A little piece of who I used to be, I shut of my wants and needs and live with what I have............

I settle for what I got and wish for the things that I wanted...........

But how many days until I'm gone..........

How many days until I'm just a shell of the person I used to be..........

How is that fair............ What do I do........ How did I get here in this space....... How do I get out....
Will this ever change, will I ever find that balance, will one day become today.........

Does my life resemble my scattered thoughts............

Will my life ever resemble my dreams, my dream of true happiness............

Is it with him......or has illusion fooled us all these years******

Thoughts, Thoughts, Thoughts

Thoughts of Mary Jane